Game # 6: The Push-Pull begins

Some of the behaviors he does that you are questioning boil down to feeling as if he’s shutting you out. He’s always got you wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. You feel like there is a secret side to him, he’s up to something. You just have a nagging suspicion that there is something you don’t know. Maybe he has another girlfriend, maybe he’s married, cheating, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s involved in something shady-its vague and unnerving but you feel that you are being left out of knowing him, and knowing something important. He’s given you just enough information about him to suck you in-but there seems to be blanks to fill.

His behavior may be that he doesn’t call when he said he would. He doesn't call you back. He doesn't answer texts-for a very long time. Maybe not at all. He cancels plans a lot. He has said things that leave you with more questions, but you don’t want to sit and question him, especially when the relationship is new, because it’s “none of your business.” You shouldn’t be demanding information from him like this so early in the game-you tell yourself. He will share himself and let you in further with time- you want to believe. If you are married-he comes home from work late a lot, has “business meetings” on a weekend, or “business trips.” Especially if his work does require him to travel-you are left wondering. You feel a “disconnect.“ He goes out with his buddies a lot. You are excluded from many things-yet you yourself don’t have those opportunities. You are “waiting” for him-even when you’re married.

At first, you don’t think the worst of his behavior. He seems flaky, scattered and inattentive when you want him there-but when he comes around and wants something from you, he makes you the center of attention and will make apologies for the times he’s been “absent”-usually with excuses about “dramas” in his life or the favors he’s doing everyone else. Here’s where blaming others and deflecting comes in. He may in fact have some legitimate excuses, or something he will confess to. One of the biggest traps I fell into, was that my abuser was struggling with a cocaine addiction. Maybe yours is a big drinker. Maybe laid off. Problems with money, with family. Or as mentioned, has “issues”. When he begins to use these things as his reasons for his behavior-you readily accept that. That is logical. Phew, a reason. A reason that could be fixed.

Nevertheless, this is why we now begin to tolerate the intolerable. It isn’t us-it’s his problems.
So that’s why he didn’t return your calls, he didn’t answer your texts, he broke plans with you, he called to change your plans for a following evening, or why he didn’t come home last night. He’s just got a lot on his plate and maybe you think, it’s the alcohol, drugs or life problems making him this way. Its not really him. He may even tell you then the ol‘ “It’s not you, it‘s me”. You have now effectively been drawn into the illusion that his treatment of you is based on his past wounds or problems in his life, and again, you are left “challenged”, feeling as though you have to prove to him that you won’t hurt him, and are challenge to help him. This also softens your heart for him, as you think you now “understand.” As a result, you totally forgive him. It all makes sense now, right? He’s telling you it’s not you. You are not the reason why he’s been like this.

At this point, many would question that upon learning or noticing that he may have a substance abuse problem, financial problems or past issues, why you wouldn’t just say “Sorry to hear that, take care and call me when you’ve gotten help.” Its because by this point-he may have eluded to these problems, but also suggested that they were not problematic. For example, he seems to drink as most people do. He only does blow on the weekends, and not even every weekend. You knew he had some financial problems, you didn’t know his ex was after him for child support. He smokes weed everyday the same way a person may have a cocktail after work, as a stress reliever. By the time you find out that these or any other of life’s ‘big deals’ are a big part of his life and a bigger problem than you thought-you are already invested in him, emotionally and/or time wise. Would you just abandoned a loved one for having a problem? Of course not. You would want to do anything you could to try and get them help, support, give them understanding and compassion, NOT judge them and encourage them to problem solve and find a better coping skill. If in particular you are married to him, this is a no brainer-”in sickness, and in health.”