Yet often…..they will warn you of who they are. In the midst of his relationship resume run-down, he will give you such subtle warnings of what he is really about, that you don’t even catch it. You will end up replaying it in your mind later as you wish you had taken heed. They will tell you things like “I’ve been accused of being too controlling.“ Or “The women I’ve been with are all different, but I’m the same asshole.“ “I was even more mentally abusive to women before therapy!”- and to that you don‘t hear the “mental abuse part“-you hear the “therapy” part, so you think that’s great. Means he’s open minded, he’s worked on his “issues” so you should be able to easily communicate when stuff comes up. Believe me, any therapy or counseling these men have had-you will wish they hadn’t. You can tell when an abuser has been to therapy. Instead of just calling you things like a” psycho crazy whack job” they now say “I think you could be co-dependant.” “With your mood swings, I think you could be Bi-Polar.” If they tell you “I’m an asshole, I’ve always been an asshole, and I will always BE an asshole”-please don’t take that as the emotional challenge he wants you to. In this statement alone-he’s for once not lying. Yet many a girl wants to change the bad boy, and he knows it. Here’s a hint: If anyone ever describes themselves as an asshole-they probably are.
They might thwart your efforts to look into their past or ask him personal questions about it because they know its shady. Typically on a first or second “date”-you wouldn’t be asking people to divulge any past issues yet anyway. You are still at the stage of “I’d like to know what his hobbies are, where did he grow up, what does he do for work” type of “getting to know”-and he’s the one bringing your date into this intimacy sphere. If there was involvement with the law, any allegations of being abusive prior-they volunteer a very Reader’s Digest version of their side of the story. Often it is to squelch any notions on your part to investigate him, because he knows from prior experiences with women this could happen. For example, a man told me that he started dating a woman who did a background check on him- and she found a restraining order. She asked him what it was about. He told me “She’s crazy for doing that!“
I disagreed, because in this day and age, there’s nothing crazy about doing this-and he told me “Well, its not so much that she did it, as it is that she TOLD me she did it“. Then he went on to explain what the restraining order was for. “During my divorce, my ex-wife was not answering the phone. I called her like 18 times, and she wouldn’t answer. She was keeping me from talking to my kids and that pissed me off, so I kept calling, and she got a restraining order to stop me calling. The judge even dismissed it as bullshit and even asked her “Well how many times did you answer?“
Of course, he also “dumped” the woman who ran the check on him. He said it was because “She was crazy to tell me she did that.” I suppose so, because now he knows to cover his butt with future women. I now also say it’s because she questioned him on it at all. These men do not like to be questioned, period. He “got rid of her” because she immediately sent up her own red flag of “I may not be the kind of woman that you can manipulate, I am smart enough to even be pre-screening prospective interests.” He was just pissed that she was checking up on him. These men guard their privacy like they are in a witness protection program, yet run their mouths to prove why they’d need one.
The hints keep coming. I had one man tell me how he ran up to a guy in a large home improvement store, because the guy was staring at his 5 year old daughter. He proceeded to tell me that he “beat the shit out of the guy.“ When he went to court-according to him-the guy he pummeled was-what do you know- a registered sex offender.
Yet if you were to look into your suitor’s background and discover some sort of battery offense-you would not see that part of it. You don’t get the details or story. So he’s pre-empted you, if he thinks you are smart enough to look into such things.
If he ever out of the blue- out of left field asks you if you are the type to take revenge, because he’s had buddies who have had women who are out to get them-run. The old “I have a friend“….ruse. He’s talking about himself, sister. Believe it. Either way, he’s withheld and played Secret Squirrel with women before, and he’s not a nice guy-and this is his weird way of telling you that. He may even tell you of times where he was very rude or mean to a woman, and laughs about it. To him, it’s funny, as she was just a one-night stand or something “meaningless.” You don’t know what to make of this, other than a part of you wants to believe that “boys will be boys, hope he’s outgrown that collegiate attitude” or “Well, he’d never be that way to me. I wouldn’t even tolerate it”. These men are good at what they do. You end up tolerating a lot more than you ever thought possible.
In the beginning, you have no reason not to trust him, to believe him, to take his word for anything, and besides, he’s just so damned cute. You believe him because he seems to be cool, seems to be normal, and seems to have the potential to be exactly who you’d like to get to know better. This is perfectly natural, normal and healthy. No one wants to be so paranoid and jaded that you can’t believe a word out of someone’s mouth the first time you meet them. You believe him and worse-you are happy that he was open with you like that, that he was being honest with you, and that you have nothing to worry about. After all, emotions run high in break-ups and divorces, and maybe you’ve been in one and you know. Accusations and revenge often can play out in courtrooms-hence the need for attorney’s and the saying “messy divorce.“ He wants you to believe he was just the average “Joe six-pack” being screwed in a separation. He’s hoping that if you were going to play spy in his life-background checks, drive-by’s- that he just discouraged you -because then you might find the REAL truth. You now think that he’s open, honest, upfront and been to therapy. That’s one spell cast.
The other big game here: He has just effectively stopped you from inquiring about him and two-he’s made it very clear how he feels about women that do. Don’t question him or his integrity. Don’t be that girl, either. Lesson here: Nice guys understand why women would be cautious, and men who have nothing to hide don’t get rid of them for that. Really good guys don’t have any sort of weird blemish on their past like an OP or assault and battery at all. If you should discover any sort of run- in with the law, keep both eyes open because it is in fact, a sign of an abuser. (more art by Jasmine Cook)
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