Game #8 How the Psycho's Argue, Part one

If they still want to play with you, then they know they have to satiate your thirst for knowledge about them in some way so, they “give in.” They take all that pain, angst, longing and frustration you carry about their now werid-ass behavior, and mutilate and twist it in such a way that you actually believe that what they are giving as answers for their weirdness of behavior and thought has any validity. And typically it goes something like this:

“Well, your reactions/anger/responses/lack of patience/understanding/irritability/suspicion/lack of trust/questioning/accusing/raging/and-or life problems/issues/analyzing/PMS -is what bothers ME. Maybe if you didn’t do these things, I’d be willing to (fill in the blanks.)” Then when they have you on the defensive, they shut the conversation down. They have to “go”, “run” “have a pressing issue that has to be addressed” “on my way out the door” or simply “I don’t feel like talking about this anymore/right now/tonight/ever again.” Then they hang up. Or leave. If you are married to one, they will lock themselves in a room, garage, basement or take off for hours, leaving no forwarding information.

Perhaps they will also blame you for this: They are not willing to discuss this until YOU change “your tone” “calm down”, “relax”, “cool off”- because any approach to them that you have taken-you are wrong. You are always wrong about them, you always take them out of context, you don’t understand them, or you never listen because “It’s not what you want to hear.” You end up feeling like every conversation you are having with them is an episode of Law and Order. They may even tell you “You should be a lawyer.”

You are to feel weird and criticized for what you hoped would be the ability to have a healthy, normal exchange between two people who are sleeping together and supposedly care about each other. Silly you. Also to note, they are kings of the absolutes. You are never and always something. Just like their love/hate thinking.

This is what's called stone-walling, withholding, and ignoring. This is also and devaluinginvalidating your feelings, emotions and rights. You are trying to assert yourself, and you are thwarted. You are not getting your needs met-because YOU are not “letting” him meet them. And you begin to believe it. You begin to believe that you are over-sensitive, you “don’t know me, stop trying to read my mind”, you are judgmental and you find that attempts to communicate with this type is met by him with defensiveness. He treats the attempts at honest communication as an inquisition and a court room and may even plead “I’m not on trial here.”

You tell him “I feel like you don’t really mean what you say to me sometimes” or “You have said some things that have made me feel bad about myself”- and instead of him being bothered that he may have offended or hurt you, he is immediately and only concerned with denying your feelings, and making himself out to not be doing any of the above. It’s YOU that has the false perceptions, YOU are wrong about him. You tell him your feelings, and they are “crazy.“ “Foolish”. “That’s stupid.“ And because you are even trying to discuss how you feel, you are now making HIM feel bad about himself because you aren’t approving or accepting of him or how he’s treating you. After a long time and many arguements like this- you begin to believe it.