Game #15-"Hoovering"

Hoovering. I first heard this term mentioned on the website Out of the Fog. For more information on it, go to this link http://www.nook2.com/

"Hoovering" come from "Hoover", as in vacuum. As in, how the abuser's "suck you back in." How is it, that they can be SO shitty so often, and yet, we continue to not only forgive and dismiss it, but we also continue to believe that the "good" in them, supersedes the bad?

After a psycho has been abusive-ie, verbally mean, mood swinging, ignoring you, arguing you into circles, made you doubt yourself, blown you off, essentially pushed you to a limit-they actually think "Uh oh, maybe this time, I pushed too far." They see that perhaps you are hovering (that's hover, not hoover) on the edge of recognition that they are being pieces of crap-so while you are hovering, they decide to "hoover", ie, suck you back in.

This is achieved by bombing you with attention. By moments of "clarity", meaning perhaps even an admission of "I know that I haven't been right to you." "I don't know why I am a jerk to you. You didn't deserve it then, and especially, not now!" "There are women that I should've treated this way and didn't, and you aren't one of them". "The way I have been is a result of all my problems, it's not you, you did nothing wrong!" "I am so sorry, I don't understand why I get like this, I have fear of what you do for me, I don't want to hurt or get hurt" "I promise that I will make an effort, I don't want to disappoint you ever again, you won't regret letting me in again!" "I want to be that guy that gives you all, don't you see, I'm afraid of failure! Ok see you got it out of me!" " I just need time, maybe Ive been this way to you because I want to be able to give you all of me and I can't right now", and so on and so on.

Sometimes, it's just simple "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to do this, I love you" and sometimes it goes into elaborate explanations for how they can't believe things have reached this point, they never intended to hurt you, followed by lists and excuses (often sounding plausible and believable) that if you have any heart and conscious at all-you will soften at. Couple all of this with soft and vulnerable sounding tones of voice, perhaps even tears-and you find yourself "sucked back in", forgiving, and willing to continue to give him and your "relationship" a chance.

Until he fucks up again. Then, he blames you. Then he wonders again, if he's pushed you too far, and then he hoovers. Its a game and a "victory" for him, every time he "gets you sucked back in." He can't be that bad then, right?

This can go on and on, this twisted pattern of relating, indefinitely, and especially, because everything he says during a "hoover" is what you want to hear, and what you truly want to believe. Oh.....and he KNOWS that. This of course, is when "Seeing is believing" comes into play. If they hoover, then don't walk it, most people would like to think that at that point, they'd tell the guy to go to hell. But-these guys are masters at hoovering. They especially know what to say that would personally hit your button, as they know and have studied you. And if you aren't buying into the hoover-then they bring out the heavier artillery to argue with you with, and that is even MORE effective to get you to doubt yourself and hence, accept the hoover. That will be in the next post. Just know this: The one thing about them and a Hoover is vacuum that is truly comparable? Is that they both SUCK.