Game # 16: Don't be Smart

We learned already of a few of the psycho’s argument tactics. Now, if in these conversations, you show any anger, show any sense of “being onto them”-that is, you are not feeding into the "nice", an argument will ensue. You've caught them in a lie, you are “confrontational”, pointing out the twisted logic, the contradictions and the sheer insanity of what they do, and you are in fact, questioning them- you will then find out that you will be blasted-but not always in an obvious way.

You won’t always hear a classical abusive response, such as “You are a stupid bitch, now go get me a beer”-its far more invasive. And you know it’s what you aren’t hearing, that has you so mystified. You’ve heard the “I’m sorry” before, but the behavior that has you so hurt never changes. Or the apology seems more a token rather than heartfelt, more like an “Im sorry of whatever it is you say I’m doing” sort of apology, without a real desire to see it, acknowledge it or change it. It’s an “Im sorry” designed to placate and to shut you up. The actions don’t match the words.

You aren’t hearing a concern for you, a genuine desire to get to the bottom of your issues. You aren’t seeing any promises they’ve made kept. You aren’t hearing a shock or surprise that their behavior has you so muddled or contemplating leaving them. And you won’t- because they already know, they’ve experienced it before, countless times with other women. Only you don’t know that-because they make you feel as if it’s YOU that is the problem. I actually had one man tell me that he’s heard it all before, his entire life, from family, friends, girlfriends, etc. When I asked him “And that doesn’t disturb you?” His response was “I don’t wish to talk about myself with you.” That being the only time in the many years I knew him, that he didn’t wish to talk about himself.

You are sometimes accused of probing. They hate you for this. You will be getting along okay, then he lets you down again, and that’s when they then bring up the fact that you are analyzing them, or trying to figure them out, and that’s a barrier for them. For example, you might get “Do you think you can just take me as I am without all the analysis and bullshit? Just trust in what I say, stop reading my mind?”

They attempt to make you feel bad for questioning them, their motives, their intent. Goes back to the early days where he made it clear-don’t question him. He knew you would-all women have. Especially when their actions make you suspect that they aren’t being truthful, and then its your analyzing, dissecting or trying too hard to figure them out that has them vexed. So you back off, feeling that maybe you ARE out of line to try and invade their thoughts, their psyche, judge their behavior, and notice anything is wrong at all. Essentially, he wants you to sit there, take what they do and don’t do without question, just believe in them, in their words, in their intent-basically, play along.

These guys are big on “speaking between the lines.” In other words, its implied again subtly-that if you back off and don’t act smart and really THINK about what they do-you’ll get from them what you want. So, now you should sit there, patiently, don’t ask, don’t question, don’t “think too much" and everything will be just fine.

So now he’s controlled your ability to think, ponder, toss around, analyze, probe, question, critically think or connect the dots-because he just doesn’t like that. Your intellect is not something he can tolerate. Here your flag is “Don’t be too smart. Mind your business, and back off on mine. I don‘t want you to figure me out-and I‘m starting to suspect you could.” The abusive guy I was involved with at one point told me “I don’t want to piss you off, because you have the smarts to do something to me.” I told him that was an extremely back-handed compliment, but, the game worked: I still felt like he thought I was some horribly evil woman out to get him, and that I had to “behave” in order to earn his trust. Hence, I was not allowed to be angry or to react to any mal treatment towards me.

It’s subtle. It’s not a slap across the face followed with a tirade of ‘Bitch! Who the fuck are you to be tryin’ to read my fuckin’ mind? You think you’re goddamned Karnack?” Nope. But the effect is still the same-and he will repeat his “you’re analyzing me too much” mantra a great deal, all the while unwilling to answer any questions about him or concerns….and will continue this until you feel that free thinking and logic are meant for scholars, not women.

I even had one guy ask me “Why do you always use big 50 cent words? I have a friend who is a PhD’s, and she doesn’t talk like that." Yet when he would be drunk, he would bust out with the big 50 cent words. Keep this in mind: They will insult you on the things they actually admire about you. But they don’t want you to feel confident in what you have. So the game here? Make her feel bad and stupid, for being smart. If you start to believe this-then you won’t be smart enough to get out of their way. They can continue to get from you what they want-because you don’t dare to question them now or analyze how they say one thing, do another.