Game #12: Parrot Bay-or emotional sudoko

Often times, arguing with them is like driving into an emotional cul-du sac. You think you are making headway, only to end up going around in circles and then head right back to where you started. This is often accomplished by them “parroting” you. For example, if you say “You don’t seem to care about how what you are doing/not doing is making me feel.” They then reply “Well what about how I am feeling, what you are doing to me?” You say, “I am angry” they say, “Well I’m angry too!” You point out something they’ve said or done or didn’t do that they said they would, and you tell them how much this has bothered or hurt you. They then say “Well you are no better with your words, you haven’t always been the nicest person!”

After you have shared a feeling you have, they may tell you “Well aren’t you being hypocritical, in pointing this out and hurting my feelings in return?” Exasperated after many times of this, you may end up telling them that you think they need some sort of counseling, to which they may reply “Well you do too!” They simply can’t stand alone in being wrong, they have to find fault with you or to point a finger back at you as if to say “Yes I was wrong BUT….” and there’s a justifcation. This is to completely frustrate you-which it does-as well as put you on the defense.

Its more ways to divert attention away from their wrong doing, and have you focus on something you are doing to them. Funny thing is, you haven’t heard any complaints from them, until you yourself are upset. In other words, they aren’t calling you distraught and hurt because of your treatment to them. They are not the ones expressing dissatisfaction, unhappiness and discontent in their relationship to you, or how you make them feel. They aren’t the one’s “nagging.” You are. Yet they tend to bring up this list of complaints about you-and the first time you are ever made aware of them is only when you are confronting them on some poor behavior of theirs. You find yourself having to bring them back to the conversation much like you would an adolescent, that is, “This isn’t about me right now, this is about you.” Oddly enough, the only times they don’t seem to enjoy everything being “about them” is when you are all about criticizing, pointing out their flaws or the fact that they are lying, deceiving or hurting you in anyway. So now you attempt to find communication “techniques”-those infamous “I” statements, all of that Dr. Phil-esq sort of advice on how to have a healthy, interdependent conversation where you express your feelings, thoughts, needs and wants without attacking. Once again, you are subtly forced to adjust yourself in order to stand up for what you should rightfully expect in a relationship with someone claiming to “care.”