Game #8.5 con't......Arguing, and poisoning your well

So now he's disappointed you, blown you off, acted moody, seems distance, seems up to stuff, shutting you out, after showering you with attention and affection, implying commitment, care and adoration of you. He's told you of some issues in his life as "excuses", and you have bought into them-and by this time, have offered to help. Perhaps by this time, you have lent him money, housed him, bought him stuff, paid some bills, were extra sweet, nice and understanding and when he's let you down again, you've "let it slide." 

The part of you that worries and feels insecure about this, questions him and what he wants from you. You'd rather him just be honest and say he's not feeling it anymore-but he denies this and says it's not you, it's him, perhaps even, he needs some time. When you have argued, it gets twisted back to you, so now you question yourself: Am I being too impatient? Too insecure? Too demanding, nosy, jealous, clingy, possesive, sensitive? This is where he wants you. Yet you still desire to communicate with him, in hopes to make your relationship better. Since he's made it very clear that he doesn't INTEND on hurting you, and that you must be misunderstanding HIM....

    After he has been defensive and shutting down your needs, wants, feelings, questions, concerns and doubts and given endless excuses for why he cannot take it to a “next level“-a cooling off period ensues where he won’t call or talk for a few days….and then when he does, he acts as though nothing is wrong. He’s miffed and confused if you don’t go along with the charade that everything is fine. 

When you don’t greet him with cheerfulness or sound happy with him, if you should mention that you are still upset about the prior conversation-he wants you to feel stupid about that, too. Then you get the “Are you still mad? What is the problem, it’s not a big deal. I’ve told you over and over how I feel about you and what I am looking for from you. Why can’t you get that, and just let it go already? If I have to keep explaining and proving myself over and over, it won’t be the same. If you don’t trust what I say is true, then why even bother?” Except for this: 

He has never told you over and over how he’s felt or what he’s wanted. That’s why your asking so much now! To an abuser, the “past” is five minutes ago. He doesn’t tolerate you bringing up anything prior to that five minutes. If you do, you are accused of “re-hashing”, “what are you talking about, I don’t even remember that” or similar veins of you are ridiculous to be holding the past against him still, “you sound like my mother who still throws things in my face that I did when I was 15,” or some other indicator that you are a resentment holder, you can’t let go of yesterday, and how can he possibly feel comfortable moving forward with you, when you are so clearly rooted in making him pay for his past mistakes over and over again? 

Yet you realize that he hasn’t done anything to “show” that he’s sorry for any past hurts, in fact, the same behaviors that upset you in the past, are still continuing today, even though he may have cleaned up his act for a brief time so he can now claim that you have no right to be upset about “before”, because he’s shown he’s changed. This show of change may have last only a few weeks, if that.

    You are so gob smacked after these encounters, that you replay it over and over in your mind. You continue to doubt yourself. “Maybe I am being too oversensitive/angry/hysterical/demanding/pushy. Maybe he’s right and that if I don’t get what I want right away when I ask for it, I throw a temper-tantrum. Maybe he’s right that my approach is wrong, it’s bad timing, or that I shouldn’t suspect things without evidence or proof. I am a resentment holder unable to forgive.” You do this, because you are capable of something he is not-introspection. You are now experiencing poison in your well. The brainwashing has begun.