Why I call these assholes PSYCHO

Something that many people don’t understand is exactly how the "jerks" work. As men marvel at how women will stay with no -good men, and women insist that there aren’t any good ones out there-what is really missing from this piece is what is truly happening inside the psyches of these people-the jerk that gets the girl, and the girl that stays with him. I believe there are varying levels to this, in terms of degrees of severity. I don’t think all “jerks” end up being abusers, and I don’t think all girls who give jerks the time of day have “no self -esteem.” Sometimes, these “games” in the beginning work. They add to the thrill of the chase, the infatuation-but inevitably someone lets their guard down, and both parties cease with the games; allowing themselves to be vulnerable and settle into a good, loving relationship. A true nice guy, and a truly nice women, cannot sustain these ego games for very long. Eventually, one or the other wakes up, gets tired of playing and either gives in-or gets out. The relationship goes further, or it ends. No matter how much “game” a person is running-if they see someone is truly getting hurt, they will stop the game. Either they will admit to their feelings, and start being “real” or they will let the person go. We can go against our natures for only so long-because ultimately, we all want the same thing: To be loved, respected, wanted, appreciated, cared about and valued. When these “games” don’t stop-and people begin to really get hurt-it ceases to be “All’s fair in love and war.” It turns into psychological abuse, because the “jerk” is a psycho.

“Psycho” however, is the more demonizing way of labeling them. Personality Disordered would be the kinder, more rational way to label anyone who is abusive. Personality Disorders are many, and without getting into the psychological diagnostics and “axis” that they fall under, there are a few of these disorders in particular that are sure bets for potential to abuse. Part of the problem that women face (and we will address this in later posts) is the obsession to find a “label”, a diagnosis and an logical explanation for the ultimate cause of their man’s behavior.

I think its human nature to seek out the cause of a problem in order to understand an effective way to fix it. However, confusion can reign for the average person not well-versed in psychology, and even the experts themselves professionally disagree about personality disorders, ie, what the origins are, if they can be “cured”, what is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath? Is he avoidant, or of a paranoid disorder? Anti-social, histrionic, passive-aggressive? It is a for sure bet that if you are with an abuser, that he is one if not a few of these things all mixed together…what psychology would call ’co-morbidity”. To further add to the confusion, many personality disorders share the same traits. A borderline personality disordered individual may often imitate (and vice-versa) -one who is bi-polar in their “manic” stage. With an abuser, it’s a potpourri of mental disorders-psychotic, sociopath (now known as Anti-Social personality disorder- showing no signs of guilt), narcissistic (its always about him) and often, you can throw in a decent addiction or two for good measure-alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and other self-destructive or reckless behaviors-so diagnosis can be a precarious activity.

However, part of the natural process of coming out of an abusive interaction is the intense drive and desire-almost obsession really, to intellectually understand and come to terms with “what” he is-but this can deflect and take away from who he is. Which might be how you ended up reading my blog. The reason I can write this blog-I did the same thing. I totally get it. Bottom line-the clinical diagnosis of what kind of disorder an abusive person may fall under is best left to the professionals.

While in counseling, my counselor even told me that they really don’t like to focus on the actual diagnosis of the guy (and in all fairness, without him present its really a challenge to do so)because all that really matters is recognizing that he’s abusive and that’s all we in these relationships needs to know. Keep it simple. She was right. All someone who is being abused really needs to know is that the person they are with is abusive, hurts them, toxifies their life and there is absolutely nothing the abused person can do or not do to change it.

All you really need to figure out, know and understand is that you don’t deserve to be abused, and you can only change whether you are or not, by choosing to stay or leave. This of course, easier said than done. As found on the website “Out of the Fog”, the analogy of “You can’t get rid of another’s infection by taking the antibiotic for them.” fits very well here. So even if you do figure them out-it won’t change anything. It may give you some intellectual relief, but that’s about it. It also is a distraction from the pain, and the greatest benefit of all is in realizing that it wasn’t you. The desire to find an answer is called ’hope’-hope that if you do find reason and cause, he can change, and you will be happy with him. They say in life that as long as we don’t give up hope, we are fine. With an abusive man, its when you stop hoping, and accept the reality of how he is now in the present, is when you will get closer to fine. That's why I call him psycho. It's just easier that way.