Game # 28: YOU have too many problems

If you haven’t expressed anger, but have in fact been vulnerable to him and ever told him any of your flaws-such as having been abused before, suffer from depression, have battled drinking or other addictions, etc-rest assured, if you have any flaw or problems of your own, these will be used against you to say “How could I be with anyone who has these problems, I can’t allow myself to deal with anyone who is not taking care of themselves.”

And this can come from a man who has his own battles with addictions and abuses, this man’s hypocrisy is unparallel. He projects with a vengeance and you can be sure that whatever he points out in anyone else that he judges and seems offended by- again, is his “stuff.” He will rage on about how someone else is treating his sister, good friend, daughter, mother etc-and will actually say things like “This guy says he’s changed, but you have to SHOW that you’ve changed, you can’t just say it”-but feels somehow that these rules don’t apply to him-just everyone else.

Here’s a man who can sleep with married women or women with boyfriends, and in the same sentence complain that his last girlfriend cheated on him. This is a man who expectations and standards are impossibly high for what HE deserves, needs and wants, that no woman could truly live up to, and his sense of entitlement and ability to expect and demand to be treated well without having to give anything in return is ridiculous.

If they do blame some sort of problem you have in your life as to why they can’t get more involved with you, or why they are done with you, you wonder then why they didn’t sit you down, talk to you like a caring human being that loves you and say “I’m really concerned about you, and I want to help you.” Because- they aren’t. Your problems and issues are just an excuse to puppeteer around his true motives.

For example, if he says “Well you drink too much”, you won’t find him leaving AA pamphlets on the kitchen table. If he says “I don’t like that you go out all the time”, you won’t see him protesting when you tell him your plans. If he says “You son or daughter doesn’t seem to like me”, he doesn’t try to interact, spend time with them or find out why. If he truly loved and cared about you in return-he would feel the same drive, compassion and concern that any friend, family member or someone who loves you would. That you have for HIM. He would “intervention” you.

He’d straight up tell you that this is a problem for him and if you don’t get help or change it, he’d have to leave. He was never truly in, so there’s nothing really to leave-it’s just his way of justifying to himself and the world that you had too many problems, and so for his own self-preservation, he had to “hesitate” had to keep his distance. If you aren’t plagued with these issues, then it simply boils down to your anger and reactions to how he treats you that “worried” him. While I’m not suggesting that he should go on a Red Cross mission to save your life like you just did-emotionally healthy people can still find a way to set boundaries, express their care and concern for your problems, offer help and plant seeds.

Yet the first time you hear of your “baggage“ being an issue, is usually as he’s out the door-for good. The worst is when he then tells you that the reason he can’t and won’t do or give anything of himself to you, or for you, is because of some problem you have, but you remember hearing the stories and excuses about some woman in his past who seemed to truly be a hot mess, and he was extremely patient, forgiving and understanding towards her, usually as she was being abusive to him. Or, when its a problem you can do nothing about, like your parents, your siblings, your background, your ethic group or finances.

This is the crazy-making insanity of a narcissistic, psychopathic abuser. This is the psychological abuse that has your mind reeling and your self-esteem fading to black. You cannot even step back or detach yourself from it long enough to see the flawed logic in anything that he is saying-particularly if you are married to him. He designed it this way. This is the quintessential essence of “crazy making.“ While we should be in fear and run for our lives-they have eluded over and over again to the fact that they fear you. More on that tomorrow.